finding some old syuff on my computer
Summer ‘06
This summer I have had emotional breakdown after breakdown (little did anyone know), I have learned many things about myself and yet, still so much left to figure out. The other day on this show I was watching, the following concept was expressed. Some people hide from emotion behind a glass wall, watching what happens around them and trying to control it. While others hide from emotion through anything they can put in their mouth. (and they said you don’t learn anything from t.v.) Well anyways the point is that I applied this concept to my own life and my issues, and well it just makes sense. I do hide my emotions, I always have. I have always hated crying in public, in front of anyone; seriously, not even in front of my parents. I’ve always believed myself to be a strong person. It’s only until recently that I have realized that this has become an issue, and is affecting other aspects of my life. So in an effort to correct this problem I am going to try and write more about my feeling and what is going on with me. In clear English instead of more poetry, oh I’ll keep writing my poetry; but I will use this as an outlet as well. And actually let people read it, that of course being the key ingredient; so if you read anything after this entry and you don’t think I’m being honest or actually letting it all out; heckle me by all means leave a comment heckling me for more or w/e.
Anyways ciao
-Alyssa
November 21st 06
So I was cleaning up some files on my computer when I found this, and well it turns out I don’t think I actually uploaded this over the summer. So it’s a bit late. Anyways, so I am back in Ottawa, and school is kicking my ass once again, though I feel I am putting more into it and overall doing better, yes that’s right congratulate me, mwah ha ha! So nothing much new, emotional wise … I told Diane my deepest darkest secret, and yes I cried, I didn’t actually tell her directly, I let her read it; but one way or another I actually did talk to someone about it, and Darryn, he knows too. And the only reason I am actually telling some trusted few about it is because I am sick of it controlling my life, sick of letting it affect me the way it has. Now, I realize I have a long road ahead, and it will always be something that follows me everyday. However, I also know that talking to someone about it is the first step to forgetting it, or coming close too.
Hmmm other emotional BS, I cried in front of a teacher…math of course, stress, lack of sleep, and subject frustration being the main contributors.
What else, so there is this guy I like, or I did. We are friends, but for like the span of a week for some reason I was starting to really like him, even though I know I am not his type, and he would never be interested in me. And no if your thinking I am selling myself short I’m not, although I typically do and that was in my consideration, in this case, I really don’t think we would work because we are total opposites and it’s a miracle we are friends like we are. But this true realization came in a dream; well I didn’t realize it until later. I will not comment on what the dream was about, but I will say that I was quite bubbly and uncontrollably happy the next day, if that gives you a hint. But well anyways the dream symbolically I decoded later, and realized that I was willing to overlook said subjects obvious faults but when I really looked at me doing this, it would only lead to me being unhappy; anyways my subsequent analysis (yes big words) of my dream made me realize I didn’t really like him. Mind you that is the shortest crush I have ever had. He is none the wiser and we are still friends, and consequently I avoided a lot of other emotional crap that is presently better avoided.
Hmmm, oh I am thinking… yes there is more. My mom… I find I can talk to her about most things but more so personal opinion wise not so much. You see, I find I am scared to be judged by her, why I don’t know. I don’t care if Diane, Kyle, Shannon, Darryn, anyone, other family, I don’t care if they judge me, but my mom, for some reason I am. As some of you may know I have been intending on moving out on my own for quite some time. Now my mom is not for this she wants me to live rent-free for at least another year. But I swear to god (no offence), but I can’t. Trudy is driving me mad, I love her to death she is a great person, but we clash, not really, you wouldn’t know it as I am not a reactive person. But she is driving me nuts…I don’t want to go home at night, not until she is in bed. So… I can’t shower in the morning before 7:30 ish on weekdays, or before 8:30 ish on weekends, now the weekdays is not a problem cause I wake up around 830 and shower at 9 when she is gone, because 15 minutes is apparently too long for a shower but I thought that was standard. From the time I left the basement to go up for the shower to the time I was back in the basement was 15 minutes, so the shower it’ self was not even 15 min’s long. Now on the weekends I am screwed… and I am sorry showering in the evening before doesn’t work, as my hair me be gross 8hr earlier the next day, plus by the time I get home the night before if she or Tanya is already in bed I’m screwed. So unfortunately it comes to the point of washing my hair in the sink in the basement and using soap and a wet cloth. Though not fun it does the job, I think I might have to start showering at school though, but god forbid I wake her up, I don’t rather enjoy her yelling. She can make a bird feel guilty for shitting on a car.
What else oh yes, she seems to think I am at her every whim for bingo purposes; but I am sorry school and work (to a point) come before you. I realize I don’t pay rent and this is how I do. But the previous still stands. I guarantee her every Friday night from 5 until all night, an typically she gets an early Sunday bingo, and late if she wants, a Monday and a Wednesday, or both (late, or both). I plan out a month ahead of time. If I need a Friday I check with her and switch her 2 days instead. When I baby-sit Tanya it’s not like I can get any schoolwork done, I’m limited to the one floor, and Trudy doesn’t want my textbooks or writing stuff on the kitchen table, you need a table to do math work sorry!! So when I baby-sit I can read the textbooks, but the tv is on right in front of me, if I turn it off Tanya wakes up from the deepest sleep to demand it be turned back on. And then more ice cream. Needless to say it is somewhat pointless to do much schoolwork on these nights.
Also for Christ sake (sorry) she’s not deprived or anything. She plays the pity card way too much, yes she has to deal with some shit that most people normally don’t, but suck it up, you’ve actually got it pretty good. She whines about Tanya waking her up early. Well go to bed flipping earlier, Tanya is pretty much asleep for the night by 930- 10…but no you stay up until 11 at least, or 12:30 watching tv or wasting $ at bingo….psst…. I think you’re addicted to it.
Ok, so I have going on to about 4 pages of rant so I am going to stop for now. Needless to say I think you can see why I am eager to move out!!! More on that later
Adios
- Alyssa